Blogs
I'm not a kid nomore ?
date: Thursday, 21 December 2006 by: Catalin
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I'm not sure how or why, but I feel somewhere along the way I lost my innocence. Probably it happened when I stopped being a kid and this is a normal thing, but it's not only that, I also lost the good in me, everything and everyday feels like a new vicious fight with the ones around me, with me and my thoughts. I care only about making more money and I care only about me. Is there anyone else besides me. No I used to be different, I used to share, give away, try to make people feel good and enjoy myself and it makes me sad thinking I lost all that. Have I changed because the ones around me have changed ? Probably. I still hate it, I still want the old me back. Fuck the money, never cared about them anyways and they never gave me any joy anyways. And fuck my huge ego, I lost enough because of it. And once with me, this site and my attitude towards it has changed and I hate that even more. I want my old site back, when I was learning the strings and ropes of it, when everyday I was learning a new thing, when browsing the internet was exciting and every new site I was coming across and liked made me feel like I have discovred a new constellation Can I have it back or is it all just a natural change I'm not prepared to accept and face ?! |
I had no idea..
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I had no idea. I had no idea I could feel for another girl the things I feel right now. I had no idea there is anything else outside the circle I help built. I had no idea I could miss it by so little. I had no idea I don't have any other friend than my girlfriend I can turn to and confess that I need another girl to like me. I had no idea it could be anything else but sex I could want from another girl. I had no idea I'm ready to bet everything on a losing card. I had no idea. Should I let it all go and when we'll grow up I should mention it. Should I go over all safe measures and self conservation and mention it now. Should I put everything on a losing hand play it pourly and let everyone know it or should I swallow it and throw away a potential winning card. I should just go to bed, wake up 6 month later and take my life back. But then I would always live with a big question mark over my head. What if What if I'd have acted on it. What if I'd have just told |
Vacation's over
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Just like that. I almost turned 4 years of dedicated work into crap. I spent a lot of time and money to make the switch to a new better looking ( at least on other sites ) video player just to see everything transformed into crap. And it wasn't the lack of money to invest in this project or my lack of skills or the lack of skills of the people I worked with. No. I just gave this site shit for the last few months and it gave it all back to me, I tried to cheat it but I only cheated myself. Well, vacation is over once again and full time work on Heaven666 is back. And I'm not saying this to cheat myself even more, to cheat this site and you again, I'm doing it because I trully believe in this project and I really believe in what I'm doing here. Like I suggested you to do so many times before, now I want to fly again, I want to be happy, love and trust again, I want to smile, help out and be innocent again. |
I finally left the house
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Everything is so strange. It's like I have slept for the last 10 years and now when I walked up everyone is different. I try to talk with them and my ideas make perfect sense to me, but not to them. They don't think I'm crazy even if I think they are, they only find me to be a liar, dumb, coward or evil, everything that I'm not. And their ideas seem perfectly natural, right and clear for them as mine seem to me. Are they right ? Are they not telling me what I need to know because I'm too sensible and I don't know how to react ? Have I lived in a paralel world all this time ? If yes does this mean now I'm free again or trapped again in the same place I was a long time ago In moments like these I stop for a second, look back where I was and ahead to the point I want to reach. With these 2 coordinates set I try to put together my current location and continue to walk, because I can't stay for long in one place asking questions, I can't waste anymore time because I'm a slow walker and there's a long road ahead of me |
Random ramblings
date: Wednesday, 03 May 2006 by: Catalin
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Some die happy, you can see them with a big smile on their faces long after they're gone, some die hating and some die without knowing it. The thing that I don't like is that I can see how you're going to end, just like I could see long before the time how you'll going to grow up. Now impress me, stop for one second, think again, enjoy again, breath again, do something that makes you feel good once again other than hating. Release yourself from the dark thoughts, fly again and most important start believing again. And no matter how much I have no problem with being the same with everybody else and all equal among ourselves I can't do it, I just can't, I just want to open your eyes and make you understand it's nothing wrong in being different, in thinking differently. When you'll see that, I'll go back being the most plain and humble person you want me to be. |
